My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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