Just cropdusted the office
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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