I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
