living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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