I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
