just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
