my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
