He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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