A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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