my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
