You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
