If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this just has baby written all over it
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
