my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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