youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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