Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
