I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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