turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
