1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
