we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
