You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I love you. Go after that dick
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
