Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
