he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
