woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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