Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
