i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
