I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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