Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
