nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
