i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
