there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
