i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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