im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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