last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
