Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You smell like stripper and shame
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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