There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
