There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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