Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
