new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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