how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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