i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
