the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sext me about skeletons
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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