God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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