I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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