What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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