I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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