i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize