I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize