we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
