i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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