Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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