the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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