We named our party play list daddy issues
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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