I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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