3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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