Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
